Combat Mum Guilt

Today I have special guest, Toni-Ann from The Real Happy Mom Podcast, on the show to chat all things mum guilt, what it is, where it stems from and practical things we can do when these thoughts come up. Toni-Ann talks about the difference between justified and unjustified guilt as well as different questions we can ask ourselves to deal with feeling like a bad mum and how to give ourselves grace to not be and do everything for everyone. Mom guilt happens to all of us, but listen in to see what you can do about it.

Find Toni-Ann on social media - @realhappymom

Elyse:

Well, Toni-Ann thank you so much for getting up super early over in the US to record these with me and thank you for coming on the wholesome mama show.

Toni-Ann:

Absolutely. I love talking to you and I'm so happy to be here, so thank you.

Elyse:

Now. I am excited for our conversation today, but before we get into it, would you mind just letting the listeners know a little bit about you, where you are located and who's in your family?

Toni:

Yes. So like you said, I am Toni and I'm in the US I actually live in Florida with my two little boys and my husband, I'm a dentist and a reservist in the Navy. So I get the busy mom working life. And that is where I created my blog and podcast, “Real Happy Mom”, which is another place that I love to kind of hang out and connect with moms like you. So, yeah, that's it.

Elyse:

So let's get into today. So we're going to be chatting around mum guilt which I think is a very needed conversation. And I'm so glad that I have you on here to share with us. So first of all, would you mind talking through with us what mum guilt is and where it comes from?

Toni-Ann:

Yeah, so mom guilt is one of those things said we all experience it as moms. It's like one of the ladies told me, you know, we, everyone has a belly button. Like we all deal with it. It's one of those kinds of things that it's just common for us moms, but usually stems from some of the things that we experienced with our kids in particular, like taking time away from them, you know doing things without them, things like that is when it typically gets startup. And a lot of times I feel like as moms, we don't understand that, yes, this is a natural emotion and you know, it's normal to experience this, but it shouldn't be something that should dictate or, or run our lives. And when, I mean that, when I say that I'm talking about, you know, when you feel guilty about leaving your kid, because you want to go work out and then you end up staying home and not working out like you, you shouldn't let the mom guilt, get you down that bad. And so that's why, I'm glad that we're talking about this conversation because I want to share with you some ways that we can actually tackle this and, you know, get through this because it, it can really be something that can hold us back. And as moms, I don't want us to be held back because we are more than just mamas and we can do a lot of great things, but we have to tackle this mom guilt first.

Elyse:

I think that's a great thing to recognise straight off the bat that we do all experience it. And you're not being terrible. You're not a bad mum because you are experiencing this mum guilt, but it is totally what we do with that that can make a difference for us. And then that roll on effect to our family as well. So, what are some of the ways that we can tackle this mum guilt that when it comes up?

Toni-Ann:

Yeah. So for me, the first thing, I just want to make sure that moms understand is there, there's something called justified and unjustified mom guilt. And this is something that I learned from my friend Dr. Jessica Larson, and she talks about having mom guilt, like I said, it's common, but you have to be able to determine, is this something that is truly justified, meaning that, you know, if you've done something to actually hurt someone, you know, physically or emotionally, then yeah you should feel guilty about that, but unjustified, like you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't hurt anyone. So understand that you going to go work out and you going to take a walk by yourself to clear your head like that is unjustified. Like you shouldn't feel bad about that. That is you needing your time. ‘Cause as moms, let's be honest, we all need time for ourselves. We can't be around our kids 24/7. I don't know who came up with that lie, but I want to go and tell that person some things, but yes, you do not need to be around your kids all the time and it's okay to take time away from them. So it started by understanding, is this justified or unjustified mom guilt I think will really help you. So that you'll know like, okay, like right now, what I'm feeling is just a bunch of baloney. Let me go ahead and move on with my life. And then we can go into some other things. But I really wanted to start with that one first, because I think that if you do that first step, that will help eliminate a whole bunch of problems.

Elyse:

That's so true. Yeah. Take a step back and almost have an objective perspective of the mum guilt thought that is going through your mind of, “Oh, well I have a baby. I shouldn't go and work out or I shouldn't leave them”. Well, actually I'm a much better mum for my kids when I have that time away, because I have that time to refresh, to regroup and I can come back and be a much better mum, the mum that they need when I've taken that time. So I think that, that, and having that perspective of, okay, should I actually feel guilty about this? Did something actually happen that justifies this thought most of the time, I'm going to say no, that nothing did, that's an unjustified. So I love that. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Toni-Ann:

Yes, yes. And another thing that kind of goes along with that at least is, you know, I'm really big into like asking myself some questions so that I can get myself back into the right space mentally. And so another question I like to ask myself, because sometimes things will come up in particular with schools and things like that before COVID of course you know, the schools would come and be like, Hey, do you want to do this fundraiser? Or, Hey, don't you want to join this group? And I'm thinking like, no, I don't want, but then the mom go create something like, Oh, you're not a good mom. If you don't participate in all these things. But one thing I like to ask myself, at least that has been really helpful is will I regret this later if saying yes, to helping with this school event, will I regret doing that? You know, a week from now? And the answer is yes, because I don't want to do it. Like I want to spend my time doing other things and that's okay. Like if I, if you do want to help with the school thing, go ahead, I'll go for it, do it. But you know, you shouldn't do things just because you don't want to be seen as a bad mom or, you know, that mom guilt is making you feel like you're not good enough. If you're going to end up regretting it later.

Elyse:

That's a really, really good point. And it's something that I haven't actually ever thought of to put into perspective when it comes to being a mum and getting involved. I'm not at that stage yet because my kids are still toddlers, but even now, to be starting to practice those things of, do you really want to do this? And because one way that I do that is with my husband, one thing that we heard on a marriage coaching thing that we were listening to was when you're trying to bring up hard conversations. And I know this is going off on a little bit of a tangent, but I still want to share is going, is this going to matter tomorrow? Will I still care about this tomorrow? And I think, if I do, then I will bring it up with him. And I think that it's kind of a similar concept in the way, how you're talking to yourself and teaching your brain to think, yeah, am I gonna, am I going to regret doing this? Do I really, really want to do this? No. Well then I'm going to say no.

Toni-Ann:

Yes, definitely. And then also too, you made me think about something there as well is another thing to think about is remembering why you even are doing what you're doing. Like, why are you going to work out? Why are you writing this book? Why are you going to work? Because I know for me as a working mom, sometimes like, I'll feel bad because my little one is going through this phase right now where he like goes a straight up tantrum if he sees me in my work clothes getting ready to leave. Like, he's fine if I'm in my pyjamas, but as soon as he sees me in my work clothes, he's like, no, no, you're not going to work. And then I start feeling bad because he's like, no, don't leave me, you know, doing the whole thing. But I have to remind myself, like, if I don't go to work, we ain't going to eat.

So I’ve got to go and that is one of those things where I can sit here and feel guilty about it and be like, Oh well I can take the day off so we can spend more time together. But I gotta go to work. There's people depending on me. And I still got bills to pay. So, sorry, son, I'm gonna see you back at five. I promise I'll be back. But just remembering that, why I think is a really key thing, because it's easy to kind of get off track. So that's another good reminder too. When we talk about, you know, bringing ourselves back and bringing things into perspective.

Elyse:

All the yes to that, and knowing what is the life that you are trying to create for your family. Not based on other people's expectations or judgments or anything like that, but looking at what is it that I'm trying to create from my family and then what are our values and then making decisions from there and yeah. Looking at the why and going, I need to go to work because we've got bills to pay and if I don't work out and get paid, and then it just has this roll on effect.

Toni-Ann:

Yes, definitely. And I think another things is moms too. We definitely need to give ourselves grace too as well. And I think this is something that you talk about as well. But I think a lot of times we kind of beat ourselves up, especially when we're juggling all the things and wearing all the different hats. We can't do everything and we can't be for everyone all the time. So giving yourself some grace and understanding like, Hey, I'm doing the best that I can. And that is good. And, you are a good mom, even if that mom guilt creeps up, for sure.

Elyse:

Yeah. And you kids aren’t expecting you to be perfect. They just want you there with them. So what are some of the other ways that we can tackle mum guilt when it comes up?

Toni-Ann:

So I like to do a lot of the mindset work, asking the questions and remembering the why. Another one that I would definitely say for mums is tapping into what your values are for yourself and for your family, so that you're able to better plan and manage things when they do come up. Because I feel like a lot of times when the question comes up like, “do you want to do this or whatever?” And the typical answer that I hear a lot of moms say is, I don't have time. And yeah, we have a lot going on, but there's ways that we can get away from the, ‘I don't have time’ to avoid the mom guilt and actually deal with things head on.

So understanding what is truly important to you and then making sure that you set your day up to look exactly like what you actually value. Because one thing for me that I've learned is I say I value travel and family time. But when I actually look at my time and like how I'm spending it, like I'm not spending it during any of those things and, that doesn't work out. So that's why there's this shift in the imbalance and things get kind of wonky. And that's where mom guilt can get really crazy. So definitely looking at, the values and then making sure they line up with how you spend your time during your day is a really key thing to kind of help him with tackling it so that you can be like, “Hey mom guilt. You're not going to ruin my day because these are the things that I had planned and I'm not going to feel bad about it.”

Elyse:

Yeah, totally. And knowing that all these things are making you a better person and a better mom and a better wife and all the things that you value.

Toni-Ann:

Yes. Cause it's easy to let those feelings bubble up and just come up and ruin your day, but you really have to talk back and be like, no, no, no, no, no. I am a good mom. And you know, what I'm doing right now is really important. So we're going to focus on this right now.

Elyse:

So true. So, so true. I love, I love that. I love knowing your values and looking at your day and even your week and going, hang on. I say that I really value time with my husband while I have no time with my husband on the calendar. So I should probably put some on there.

Toni-Ann:

Yes, definitely. And it's easy to say like, yeah. I value time with my kids and my husband, but you know, the actual real challenges is to make it happen on your calendar. I know what I'm saying sounds simple, but it doesn't mean that it's easy. So you definitely got to put some work into it. For sure.

Elyse:

That's very, very true. Were there any, any other tips that you have to share with us?

Toni-Ann:

Those are the main ones. I really just want to go back to giving yourself grace, because like I said, this is something that I wish more moms would do more of. And I really want you to, to know if you're listening that, you are a good mom and you're doing the best that you can. Let's just say like, okay, that happened, let's move on. Or, you know, if it is justified guilty, like, you know what, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it and, and, and move on because it's easy to kind of beat yourself up and stay in that, that bubble of, Oh, I'm such a bad mom and all of that, and it's not helping anybody. And definitely not helping you. So just remember, things will come up, you will make mistakes, but it's okay.

Elyse:

Yes. Yeah. Well, thank you so much. That has been so, so helpful. That first of all, acknowledging that mum guilt happens and we all experience it and then knowing, okay, well, this is how we actually deal with it. This is what we do. So thank you so much. That's been so helpful. For everyone who wants to get in touch with you or see more of you, where can we find you on socials or your podcast?

Toni-Ann:

Yes, definitely come hang out with me on the real happy mom podcast, where ever you listen to podcasts. I have so much fun having conversations, just like I'm having here with Elyse, so you can find me there or on social media @realhappymom, wherever you like to hang out. But mainly I've been hanging out on Instagram lately.

Elyse:

Awesome. Thank you so much, Toni-Ann, it has been so much fun chatting with you and I'm looking forward to hearing how this conversation is going to help so many women as well, particularly women who are feeling like they need a permission slip to give themselves the grace. So I'm very, very excited for how that's going to bless them.

Toni-Ann:

Yes. And thank you so much for having me on. I really, really appreciate it.