“Boundary” Isn’t A Dirty Word

Hey there. Mama. Thank you for joining me for another episode of the wholesome show today, we are going to be chatting around boundaries. And while that does not sound like a fun topic, bear with me because one thing that I have discovered scenes going down this road of intentional living is how important it is to have boundaries. So there's a few areas that we're going to cover and I'm looking forward to diving in with you. So let's do it.

So the first area that we need to have boundaries is our relationships. Now I really hope that you hear my heart behind this because I know that some people think that there's all this talk around, well, this isn't serving me. So I'm going to say no to it. And yes, not everything in life is meant to serve you. Absolutely not. That's a very, very selfish perspective on life. However, if there is toxic things, including toxic relationships that are not good for you, then maybe yeah, you need to say no to some things, including people. So when it comes to relationships and how we have boundaries in our life around relationships, it’s being aware that our time and our energy is an exchange that we are giving to people. And so if we are spending time with people who are negative, people who are toxic, people who drag us down, people that make you feel exhausted when you come away from them, people who aren't encouraging you speaking life over you and lighting you up, then maybe it's time to set some boundaries of when and where you do hang out with them.

What your communication with them looks like. And of course, if there are things where you can go and get help, go and get help and seek counselling or try and have a mediated conversation. But there are some things. And for me, I guess one of the big lessons has been boundaries in my friendships of who I allow to speak into my life. It's come from learning lessons the hard way, but I have a very close knit of friends who I let speak into the nitty gritty of my life, who I let prophesy over me, who I am, who I let encourage me, who I will go to with the most intimate parts of my world. And I will take that to them and ask them for advice because I have boundaries over my life and my family and our privacy, but also over who I am letting to speak into that environment.

And also around who I'm letting speak into our lives. So I think boundaries in relationship, but also in having boundaries, when it comes to our relationship from dating in marriage, without immediate family, with our extended family, with our friends, with our work colleagues, you need to have boundaries and it's up to you to set them for yourself because people are always going to find where your boundary level is and they are always going to push it. So if you don't have one, or if you don't know, then they're going to find that out and they will push against that. And the second area in your life to have boundaries in is your phone. And I talked about social media in a previous episode, but even just apps on your phone, where you are keeping your phones, where do you keep your phone during the day?

Is it on you? Is it in your pocket, on you 24 seven? Is it on your kitchen bench? You don't really look at it or do you have it somewhere else? Where is your phone and how often are you checking it? Do you have set times to check emails? Do you have your notifications on? So one thing that I have done is I don't have notifications on for anything, nothing dings. It may not even a text message. And I know that some of you are freaking out at the thought of not reading a text message within the 10 seconds of receiving it, but I have my phone calls on. So if someone really needs me and my family know that if they really need me, they will call me. And because calling is so much, so much easier than text messaging. That's one thing that I have learned of my husband, who is text messages.

You just don't text him because it's pointless because he I'll just call you and we'll have the conversation, get it, get to the point of what we need to talk about rather than this back and forth, but text messages. So I just check my phone every now and then throughout the day, I don't have set times to check it, but emails, they don't ding at me because most of them are just another subscription list to an online store that I've signed up that I really need to go through. And unsubscribe, maybe that's a boundary that I need to do is go through my email and unsubscribe from the million email lists that I get each day. And as I mentioned, when I was talking about social media, get rid of the notifications on your Facebook and Instagram apps. You do not need to know every time someone likes your photo or your posts or anything like that.

Even with direct messages. Again, it comes back to everyone will know and wants to find where your boundary is. So I don't reply to direct messages straight away. I just don't and people who know me know that. And if you send me a message, you will find out that unless you happen to message me on my dedicated time to be on there, then you won't get a message back straight away. Because we think that people will think badly of us or we'll think different of us if we don't respond straight away, but it's not true. And I actually respect my friends who have boundaries in their life a heck of a lot, because I know that they are putting in the work to live an intentional life, how they want, that's not run by other people's expectations. And don't keep your phone on you 24 seven.

That's something that I'm really trying to be better at is my fine, just lives on our kitchen counter. And when I do go and check it, I do, if I don't, I don't, I don't need to have it on me. And it was so blissful this past week being away camping was I hardly ever had my phone on me and I felt so energized. I felt so. I refreshed, I didn't feel like I was confined and stuck to checking everything and seeing if has anyone commented on that or should I post this? Should I post that? I need to be on there active all these expectations that doesn't actually make sense. And so when we got home, one thing that I've been really intentional about is trying to let that go more and bring more of that energy into my day of not needing to be on the phone a lot.

And then the last area of boundaries to having your life that I wanted to talk about today was with the calendar. So we have, we are quite intentional and almost view our calendar as sacred and not in a weird way, although it's probably to some people, but because we value our time so much, and I really value the time that I have at home with my husband and my children all together. So for me to give up that time, it has to be while say for me, if I'm going to every single thing that I'm invited to a fine saying, yeah, I'm free here. I'm free there. I'm free here. I'm free there. Then I'm not actually valuing that in for us time. As a family is one of our highest values and our highest priorities. So date night, that's a non-negotiable that is on the calendar, whether it's out or just at home time together is sacred to us because we really treasure those moments that we do get to have together.

So, but it's always guarding our calendar to not feel it just with all the things, all the stuff, and to measure things and make our decisions from a place of is this worth me giving up my time for, and that's why I, if I say I'm going to be somewhere, I will be there because I really value my time. And I really value your time. So I'm not going to waste time because I hate wasting time. And I guess these three areas and where I wanted to talk about these three in particular was because they come back to that time and energy exchange that if you don't have boundaries set on, then it's almost like you aren't valuing and aren't prioritizing your time and energy. And so for us, we really do. So that's why we have these boundaries in place and they don't have to be like, ours are really simple.

It's things like notifications on the phone. It's things like what we put on the calendar. It's just simple, things like that. But when you compile everything and add it all up, they're actually making a huge difference in our day to day life. And there's a book. I know I always have a book recommendation for you, but by Henry cloud and John Townsend, and it's called boundaries and they have a boundaries in dating boundaries in marriage, pretty sure boundaries in parenting one, two, I might look into that, but just the boundaries when to say yes, and how to say no to take control of your life. And really that is what having boundaries is about is knowing, letting your yes. Be a complete yes. Then I'm all in yes. A hundred percent. Yes. And actually doing the same thing for your know and learning when to say no, that you can say no, and that people need to respect that.

No. And how to say that so that you feel like you do have control of your life, because if you don't know how to say, no, people are gonna find that out and they're going to play to that, but we need to let our yes. Be yes and our no, be no. And stand by them and have the inner strength to know that actually this doesn't line up with my boundaries. And I wish I could think of a different word to boundaries because I feel like boundaries is. So I just find it has this negative connotation to it, but that's not at all what it is. Once you realise the freedom that comes from having boundaries and letting USBs and Nivea know, it actually allows you to be so much more open and honestly just content. And it, I totally agree with that. How taking control of your life, you don't feel like you're out of control because you don't feel like you are stuck to so many different things.

And, Oh, I've got this, this and this and this on the calendar. Plus I've got to go and say this person that I really don't want to see because they're really draining. And I don't enjoy being around them. And Oh, Dean lagers, you find that to me, feels like uncontrollable chaos, and absolutely you have room to move within your boundaries, but it's just having those boundaries in place. And I think that those three areas of relationships, your phone and your calendar makes such a big, different and impact you. And I honestly know that once you start to realise, hang on, what are my values and put boundaries around those. So that's one thing that with a date night is people say to us, I don't know how, how you have time for date night. We prioritise it. So we, it is a non-negotiable, it goes on the calendar.

And if we can't do it on our usual Thursday night, we will put it somewhere else because we have, we have this every week, whatever happens. And I just want to leave you with this quote from the boundaries book that Henry cloud said, and its boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where I end and where someone else begins leading me to a sense of ownership, knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life, opens up so many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your own choices. You are the one who makes them, you are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices that you could be happy with. We must iron thoughts and clarify distorted thinking. And I love that because I think that sums it up so well about boundaries actually giving you freedom by you taking control of your life and putting boundaries around the things that you can control. And when yes life inevitably happens, you can still come back to your root values in your core and let your yes. Be yes. And your no be no. So I hope that that has helped you and bless you today. And I look forward to being with you again soon.